What Happened to You?
I’m pretty sure that everyone’s first question upon meeting me is the unbelievably inelegant, What happened to you? Only strangers and people who have no hope of becoming lifetime friends actually ask it. It’s not that I’m against telling people, I just don’t think it’s necessarily relevant in a first meeting. It’s a crap shoot as to my reply when strangers ask me. It depends on the inquirer, my mood, and the phrasing of the question.
Here are some examples of what strangers will walk up to me and ask:
“What happened to you?” – This one annoys me but leaves me with the most room for rebuttal. I can get in a good, “Well, most recently I got asked a personal question by a jerky stranger.” Or something similar. If I’m feeling cheeky I will make something up like “I cut myself shaving.”
“Were you in an car accident?” – I’ll never understand why this is people’s assumption. No one ever asks, “Did you have a birth defect that effected your spinal cord and caused paralysis?” Never. They all want it to be an accident. Once an old woman asked me, “Were you in a motorbike accident?” Annoying still, but kind of cute because she used “motorbike”. For the record, a great many times when people ask this I will flatly reply with “yes” to end the conversation.
“Why are you in a wheelchair?” – I assume people are look for more than the truth which is that I can’t walk. (Reminds me of my favorite childhood joke: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York Harbor? Because she can’t sit down!)
“Do you have (insert condition here)?” – People like to guess. It’s fun for them. Maybe they go around to random people and try to figure out what they might have. OK. She’s in a wheelchair and she’s young. It must be, hmmm, I’m going to say MS. I’ll give myself 5 points in my What’s Their Condition game show!
And the absolute worst, most offensive, ridiculous question:
“What did you do to yourself?” – Yes, yes, I did this. I decided to fuck up my spinal cord pre-natally.
Just writing this up is starting to annoy me! If you learn anything from this it’s that it is never your business to ask strangers personal questions. Just because you can see the wheelchair doesn’t mean you are entitled to know why.
For reference, here are the times when it’s appropriate to ask why I use a wheelchair:
We have met more than a few times and we have a chance at having continued interactions over a long period of time. This is usually the case with new friends or co-workers. (If we are not working directly together and I only see you in the break room, do not ask.)
I am in your office and you are a doctor or nurse.
There you go. I will, eventually, document “what happened to me” in a post. Let’s get to know each other a little first.
OMG! You’re in a wheelchair! Who would thought.
I love you just the way you are. The way God made you. Absolutely perfect!
I was sort of sad to see you forgo the crutches, because I liked “My grandfather whittled these crutches, and it seemed a shame not to use them” so much.
Perhaps you can modify it to: “My grandfather forged this wheelchair in his home blast-furnace and it seemed a shame not to use it.”
Ooh! Or maybe: “This is the One Wheelchair, forged in the fires of Mt. Doom. I am the chair-bearer. I must roll it into the fires from whence it came, lest Sauron rule Middle Earth. Only I may bear this burden.”
Just imagine if you asked them something back that was even remotely as personal: “I’ll tell you when you give me your menstrual cycle for the last 90 days,” or “I’ll tell you when you tell me why you’re 30 pounds overweight,” or “I’ll tell you when you tell me how you got that big ugly scar in the back of your head — oh, maybe that’s not a scar, maybe that’s the hole your brain fell out of.”
That said, the first time I met you, Chandra, the first words out of my mouth were something like, “Oh, I didn’t know you were in a wheelchair” — and I was worried you thought I was a complete jerk for saying it.
Sowwy. I would have said the same kind of thing if you’d, like, had a British accent, or something.
Im gonna bite and play the devil’s advocate – I sure hope I don’t offend you, but if I do, well, take it with a grain of salt and know that I mean well!
Although I think you’re absolutely right in the lack of tact that some people might exhibit in inquiring about your wheelchair, I think its perfectly reasonable for someone to inquire – even in a ‘first time they meet you’ scenario.
Hey, its an uncommon thing, and people are curious. If I had a big burn on the left side of my face, I would assume that people meeting me for the first time would want to know whats up with that.
Your posted rules as to when its OK to ask is great, however the people who come across your rule would be someone reading your blog, which would be (for the most part) someone who has already met you, so in that loop the rules are ineffective.
I guess there’s nothing that can be done about total strangers ope ing up a dialogue about it, but maybe you can come up with a nifty business card or something with humorous instructions for people when they next encounter someone with a physical handicap and how to properly avoid rude questions!
That being said, yes, the key ingredient I think is tact. Someone asking ‘what did you do to yourself’ is absolutely inane. Forethought is the key, and I think that You are in the right to lay it on someone if they ask in a stupid or rude way.
…for the record, I have never asked you about it – though I think its cool that your car has the flip-reverse-suicide door to accommodate your wheelchair!
Rob, you make sense. I’m just putting out there how I feel on the matter, which is that I’d rather if no one ever asked me. If on our first meeting you asked, I probably wouldn’t have minded. If I was actually having a conversation with someone for the first time I probably wouldn’t mind. It’s when complete strangers come up to me and ask and it the ONLY reason we’re talking that bothers me. When a cashier asks, what’s the point? The only time I give serious answers to people I know I’m never going to see again is when it’s a kid. It makes sense when a kid asks because they don’t know that it’s potentially unkind to ask about these things.
And people have mentioned the humorous business cards and such before and to that I say, no. My being in a wheelchair is not a joke and it’s not my job to educate random people who clearly have no tact to begin with, but I do have a blog and I can write about the things that bother me. I guess since I just had a birth defect it’s not as upsetting to be asked, but what if the story was that I was brutally beaten and ended up disabled. Would that be something that I should tell every schmuck who asked? Or something that I should have to think about. You think the person with the burn on their face wants to talk about it? Being in a wheelchair is emotionally hard and having strangers remind you that it’s all they see is disappointing.
I acknowledge that people will ask and that it’s something I have to deal with, but I’m allowed to not like it.
I actually have pretty much the same opinion as Rob and have told Chandra as much. But having witnessed the constant gawking as well as a few of these awkward inquisitions I can tell you, it’s pretty annoying.
But I get it.
My favorite: a big burly biker guy came right up to us in Publix and started lifting up his shirt to reveal all of his various scars, pointing out each one and giving us a rundown on how he achieved each injury, then proceeded to ask Chandra bluntly, “So…Car Accident or Motorcycle?”.
More often than not people are just trying to be friendly but are just too clueless to be tactful. People are just goofy in general, especially when they put themselves in any situation out of the norm.
That is why I try to always be considerate and polite when the curiosity is just too much that I must approach random strangers to ask them personal questions about their medical history.
I knew you for a good solid five-ish years before I finally asked. I was curious the whole time as to what your back-story was, but I also knew that being asked about it irritates you.
Even after five years, I kind of felt like a heel for asking.
My first girlfriend had/has MS and would sometimes have to walk with a cane (this was back in the early 90′s). I would see people stare, strangers would ask her why she was using a cane, she fell once at a concert and people laughed. I will never forget that and the absolute fury I felt. If I could have shot a fireball with my eyes into that crowd of people, I would have.
All that is to say, it would never occur to me to ask someone I had never met such a personal question, and even if I became friends with someone, it’s their business to tell me if they ever feel like it–not mine to ask. I sympathize with you having to deal with idiots on a semi-regular basis.
I think that, in no uncertain terms, it is incredibly rude for people to ask you personal medical questions about any aspect of your life. Although I am by no means saying pregnancy is as hard living with a messed up spinal cord, I can compare it in a way. During both of my pregnancies, I was amazed at the personal questions people asked about my medical history as well as insensitive comments about appearance and weight gain.
Yes, people are naturally curious, but we need to learn to quell that curiosity. Just because someone might be curious does not mean it’s any of his or her business. Good for you for owning your feelings and not backing down. I admire you. It would be easier to just answer the rude questions nicely, but I think you are teaching people a lesson in MYOB this way.
I hear you Chandra – and as I said, I agree with you almost wholeheartedly. I have found in my life that tact is something most people lack.
Amy C- I’ve heard from several women that during their pregnancies people would ask them all sorts of very personal questions, comment on their beverage choices, and randomly decide to touch them. So, it is a very similar situation to what I contend with and I can see it as equally frustrating.
I took a look and your kids are beautiful.
anytime you post about asshat encounters, it makes me want to follow you around w/a giant foam middle finger and whip it out at them and thwap them over the head with it.
no?
just a thought…
<3
As I have slowly developed over the last few years what could only be described as a “silly walk” due to the rapid deteriation of a long standing spinal condition (these spines man, they need warranties or something…), I have had to field these kind of questions myself. . .I find the initial question less troubling or bothersome than having to endure the endless follow up questions. . .
From a certain stand point it is, I’m sure, harmless curiousity.. .but nobody asks me why my hair is like that. . or why I wear glasses. . .
What I find I get annoyed with (and this is just me) is that when I explain the problem, within like three questions they will ask, with all sincerity; “Are you in pain?”
“Yes.”
And then it can take one or two directions from there. .
“That must be rough? How do you cope?” I can take that one, that’s an understandable question. Especially because pain is an esoteric thing. . .especially chronic pain. It’s an attempt (at least I hope it’s an attempt) to understand and sympathize. . .
It’s the advice I can’t take.
I hate it when people ask me. .have you tried this therapy? Or this thing, or that thing?
I know it’s a sincere attempt to help, or to say something helpful. . but it bugs the (insert swear word of choice) out of me.
The other side of this I know is that my son has autism. I’m about ready to print up business cards that I can just hand to people that explain what autism is.
I was at Disney World with my son once, and because of his condition he can’t stand in crowds. .it freaks him out. .so we get what’s called a “guest assistance card” and can use the “special guests entrance” and not have to stand in the regular line.
We were waiting to get on to the teacups and somebody made a comment that it wasn’t fair that Ben (my son) didn’t have to stand in line and blah blah blah blah blah
I turned around and told the lady who had muttered this that I would happily trade that card and the shorter line to hear my son tell me how his day was. Or his own name.
So I guess the point of this rant is that I understand where you are coming from, and to tell you the honest truth, in all the time I’ve known you, this is the first time I found out a hint of the reason you were in the chair. . .
Must have slipped my mind to ask the first time we met. Considering that I usually have the social graces of a kitten on crack, I can only assume I was distracted. . .
If we ever encounter each other again I’ll try to be extra insensitive to make up for it.
well hello new friend. found you in bwe.tv blog comments. yeah, thats how i make friends. what?
if i were ever in one of these scenarios as you, id say “im just really fucking lazy”.
oh! a friend of mine who is half-philipino, half-irish was just telling my how many times she’s been asked if her father had been in the army. seriously? we laughed our asses off… because, as i always say, if you can’t laugh your ass off about very disturbing realities and how stupid people are, you’re basically fucked.
Hey Brad – they already make those cards. Just FYI, so you don’t have to take away the time that you already don’t have with having a chronic condition and a child with autism to make them. Not sure where to get them, but maybe the Autism Society of America? I work with kids with Autism doing education and behavior support and have experienced similar insensitivies when in the community with the kids. And I know that, even though the kids are “My” kids, I have no idea what it’s like to be a parent of a kid with autism.
Also, you and Chandra are totally right. The attempts to solve the medical issues are so annoying. Seriously, do you know how many times I was quizzed as to why I was having a repeat C-section? Do you know that perfect strangers WITHOUT medical degrees felt comfortable advising me to have a VBAC? I got to the point where I just said, “Ok, I’ll follow the advice of my doctor…thanks”. Either way, I can empathize a bit…
Chandra, thanks for looking me up on the FB and saying my kids are cute.
First off, Chandra, I do want to thank you for answering kids’ questions. As a parent I am often put into an awkward situation where it’s have my child stare at something new to them and then having me furiously whisper, “Don’t stare!” which I think just makes it even worse…or I can quietly answer any questions. Sometimes if the person seems open (as in the case of a little person I met recently), I’ll just tell my kids to talk to that person. Maybe it’s bad. I don’t know. I also tell my kids to ask people about their chihuahuas and plaited hair so who knows? If it’s something my kids think is cool, I’d much rather them talk TO the person involved instead of ABOUT them as if they are not even in the room. That said, I usually encourage my kids to move beyond the first noticeable quality of said person. So they might come up and ask you about your wheelchair and then my son might be in awe of the wheelchair and my daughters might start talking to you about what a pain in the ass curly hair is.
Secondly, I absolutely agree that people lack tact and this is not restricted to wheelchairs, chihuahuas or plaited hair. I cannot tell you the number of people who feel it’s their business to ask why I have four children and if I’ve ever heard of birth control, and some who even say I should’ve stopped at (insert number here). After one lady coyly asked me (as if I’d never heard it before), “Four children? Don’t you know what causes that?”, I snapped back, “Yes, and I like it very much!”
A reply to the lovely Amy L’s post :
I think your exact words were either directed at me (“You didn’t tell me she was in a wheelchair!”), or basically the same thing to Chandra (“Heather didn’t tell me you were in a wheelchair!”).
Chandra said something in reply (I’m not sure if it was right then or later) along the lines of “She didn’t mention it because she doesn’t think of that when she thinks of me.” And that’s the truth.
And then, I believe we all strolled into JJ Muggs for just the right amount of karaoke and way too much alcohol.
Amy – I don’t think Chandra ever hated you for your comment. It was obvious as soon as the words popped out of your mouth that you regretted them. Nobody can deny the gentle and shining souls that blingity-bling out of both you and Chandra.
My husband sent me an email yesterday with a clip from the Howard Stern show. They were interviewing black people and asking if why they supported Obama but they were deliberately stating McCains stand points claiming it was Omaba’s. I’m sure everyone has heard it. But anyway whatever came out of the interviewers mouth the people agreed with even though those aren’t even his stand points so basically the email said something along the lines of black people will vote for anyone if their black, they don’t even know anything about politics.
Shamefully my husband is voting for McCain and I Obama, which is why he emailed me this. I know your thinking what is your point, right? Well I emailed him back saying “its not that black people are stupid its that MOST people black, white, whatever are STUPID including you for sending me this shit.”
Unfortunately most people are stupid. I can’t imagine why a stranger (other than a child) would feel that it was ok to ask someone a question so personal. I agree that it is not your job to go around explaining anything. What difference would it make?
I remember before you started “seeing” Stacy I was over his house hanging out and he told me there was a girl he was really interested in and he was going to ask her out. He didn’t mention you were in a wheelchair but he did show me a picture of you (because I asked) and I remember to this day saying “OMG I love her! Her hair is beautiful, is she Jewish?” And we laughed. Of course eventually once you guys started dating he explained to me your situation and even though it was informative it really wasn’t necessary.
I think a perfectly reasonable response is this: “What answer can I give you that will satisfy your curiosity and not make you feel like a schmuck for asking?”
I hate stupid ppl. Fortunately for me that’s a lot of hate because there are sooooo many of them in the world. And it’s a good thing too, cause I have a lot of hate to go around, and that just leaves more room for love for the friends and family close to me.
I hate when ppl ask me why I shake. The worst is when I have ppl try to tell me why I shake. WTF… Then there are the ppl that try to give me advice on how to fix it. Really? c’mon. It’s like, ‘wow, i’ve never tried that. Man i’m glad i ran into you. you just saved my life with that bit of advice’
/sigh. I know sometimes ppl mean well. But most of the time ppl just have a need for making themselves feel better. They think that inquiring or giving advice to someone else will help that person somehow and in turn it makes them feel good about themselves. /bleh.
Man i’m getting all worked up just writing this thing.
Damn, ef those ppl… who needs em?
I can’t effing believe some of the shit people say to you, and to be honest, in my opinion you handle it extremely well.
When that lady at the Jetsetter said something about how she was interested in how mobile you were (or whatever the fuck she said), and that she works with “Decapitated” people, I barely knew you… and I was still totally pissed that she would have the kind of nerve it takes to say something that thoughtless or stupid, and then not to even know what the words she was saying actually meant. Though, people are generally fairly thoughtless to some degree, about all sensitive issues.
In my teens I had this horrible acne, cystic under the skin acne (which is why i’ve got scars all over my face), and I can’t fucking believe some of the people (complete strangers and random acqaintances alike) that would come up and suggest different methods of treatment, as if they were offering some magical insight, some cure-all that I just hadn’t thought of trying. No, it’s not because I drank too much pop, didn’t wash my face enough, washed it too much, was dirty, etc. it was hormonal, and nothing that I put on my skin would properly treat it. Idiots.
Anyway, the point is that people say rude and uncalled for things arbitrarily, and sometimes without discrimination for the seriousness of the condition, sensitivity of the issue… any of that. So, I not only fully agree but subscribe to the ideology that while people will be insensitive douchebags, I don’t have to like it, nor am I required to be nice to all of them. By adulthood you should have some sense of general decency, and I am pretty sure not being rudely inquisitive falls under the parameters of decency.