Peeved
When I pulled into my parking spot at home today I looked to my left and made eye contact with a guy sitting in a car talking on the phone. I opened the backdoor and got my chair out. I looked up and he was still staring at me. I got my seat back and cushion in place and looked up. He was still staring. Apparently, he didn’t mind being caught staring. Then when I got out of the car he let me know that he thought I did a good job by giving me a thumbs up with accompanying head bob.
This experience encompassed two of my pet peeves:
1) Being stared at - especially when I’m getting in and out of the car. I find it intrusive even though people are well within their rights to look wherever they want. It’s not a graceful process and I’d rather not have an audience.
2) Being congratulated for completing basic tasks. I know it might seem amazing to people that I can get in and out of the car or grocery shop but I find it patronizing to get a thumbs up or to be told, “You get around good in that thing!” I work a taxing job and manage everything else in my life and to have strangers try to cheerlead me over getting out of the car makes it clear that their base assumption is that I’m helpless. It’s frustrating.
I know, I know… people don’t know, they mean well. The pet peeves remain.
Well, for starters, I'm a QA Software Engineer from South Florida.
I’ve sat here for the last five or so minutes to try to find a way to say this tactfully, but I can’t, so I’m going to say it insensitively, and apologize in advance.
The patronization you cannot stand is borne of fear, not of pity.
Those of us who are not physically challenged, and take our state of not being physically challenged completely for granted every day, are terrified at the thought of being confined to a wheelchair. We are terrified that we would have to struggle to get a wheelchair out of our car, or do any of the other things that you have to do far differently, every day, than we do.
So if we seem congratulatory toward you, being physically challenged, for doing what you consider to be “basic tasks” (as you see it), just know that those of us who are not we are deeply frightened at the prospect of having to make our way through the world the way you have to. We are impressed that you can do it because we don’t seriously believe that we ever could, if we had to, every day, the way you have to. If we suddenly found ourselves like you, these “basic tasks” that you perform daily with relative ease would suddenly become mountainous obstacles that we would have to overcome, and that is very scary to us.
We don’t think you’re helpless. You have obviously demonstrated that you’re not. We’re afraid that if the roles were reversed, we are completely terrified that we WOULD be.
So cut us some slack, will you?
You have to know this. This cannot possibly be news to you. I’m sure that you have close friends that you talk to regularly and this subject has to have come up at least once.
I know I’m going to get blasted (by you or your friends) for this, but the angry disabled person with the chip on their shoulder bit is just as ugly a metaphor as the helpless one who uses their condition as an excuse to wallow in self-pity. So go ahead and blast away. I just wanted you to understand a little bit better why we stare, or why we thing that it is remarkable that you can function so well. It’s not because we are being patronizing. It is because we are are very scared of losing our ability to function the way we do and must function the way you do.
I’m sorry if you find this unsettling. It may not be how everybody feels, but it is how I feel. I’ve seen your posts from time to time talk about this subject, but never had the guts to say anything until now.
When people stare whether you’re in a chair or not it’s rude. When they stare whether they’re amazed or not it’s rude. When they stare because they are terrified or not it’s rude.
If you’re so damn terrified, amazed, whatever keep it to yourself. Deal with it yourself. Don’t stare at me and make me have to deal with your psychological issues/fears.
I get that people are scared but people don’t know their capacity until tested and it’s clear to me that people work shit out. If you don’t know that then go talk to a therapist and try not to make it harder and scarier for those of us who already worked it out. I’m not your mama. Save your terrified for her.
Damn straight!
Also, my friends and I don’t discuss this on a regular basis because to them I am not just a disabled person, I’m Chandra. And if they live in constant fear that they could end up like me they do a great job of hiding that from me.
I’m not angry, I’m annoyed. Non-disabled people get annoyed, too. Or so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know. That’s the thing about being in a chair if I don’t do anything I’m helpless because I’m in a chair, if I say anything about how I feel, I’m angry and have a chip on my shoulder. It seems like I can’t win with people who don’t know me as a person and only know me as a disability. So go ahead and think I’m angry and be terrified.
Also, way to anonymous your comment. It tells me that you’re terrified of more than being disabled. If you can’t man up to telling your truth, while signing your name, you probably couldn’t handle getting in an out of a car with a wheelchair.
There it is. The angry disabled person. You couldn’t be more right that you traverse a fine line between being perceived as the angry disabled person and helpless victim of circumstance.
Being annoyed is a two-way street. I couldn’t help but notice a few posters later from your raised-in-the-south friend who had to ask whether or not helping you out will annoy you. I’m annoyed that the line we have to walk is just as fine. We have to walk on eggshells around you because of the possibility that our actions might be considered patronizing and therefore draw your ire, a dirty look, a blog post, or whatever (incidentally, I too was raised in the south (The DEEP south) and was wondering the same thing myself, but never got a chance to ask).
I read Chantiki.com on a semi-regular basis, and have met you in person on more than one occasion. To intimate that I think you’re a disability and not a person is not only insults me but cheapens you. I happen to know better. I know that you ARE a person, and quite a remarkable one, and not because you have to live your life from a chair (I don’t have to explain the rest because you know it already).
In my travels in this world, out of the hundreds of people I interact with regularly, you are the ONLY wheelchair-bound person I know. Like it or not, you are not in the majority, and like it or not, your simple act of being provokes profound thoughts in those that posses full use of their faculties. If that makes you angry (or annoyed) then perhaps I’m not the only one who could benefit from some therapy. Perhaps anger and annoyance aren’t the most constructive ways with dealing with people like me. You see, Chandra, we don’t know how to regard you because we’re too afraid to ask, and we’re afraid to ask because of posts full of irritated vitriol like this one, and angry responses (call it annoyance, but I saw genuine anger in your response to me) to our calling you on it.
As for the anonymized response: can you imagine what you would do if one of your friends came to you being this open? Based on your reaction to me, do you think you’d still be friends with that person following that conversation? Or would they become simply an annoyance to you as well? So maybe my fear is justified in some small way.
It is most certainly lamentable that, along with being confined to your chair, that you have to endure more than the physical aspects of being confined to the chair–and one of those things is that you must deal with people who could not possibly fathom seeing life from the perspective you do. What I take umbrage to is the fact that rather than seeing this as an opportunity to vividly demonstrate to people that they have unknown reserves of heretofore untapped strength, you instead lash out at us in anger (callit annoyance, but it sure doesn’t sound like it) when we’re already uncomfortable and walking on eggshells. I try to see the world from your point of view. Most people do not. Most people cannot. I will likely never understand what it is like to be you.
Alright, alright. Could be I’m beating a dead horse. You already said you “get” us. Well, maybe you do and maybe you don’t. If you “got” us, maybe you wouldn’t be so quick to lash out at us for the insensitive things we do.
And by the way, how do you know that the dude in the car wasn’t staring at you simply because you’re attractive (which, by the way, you happen to be)? I know I stare at attractive people every now and again, and when caught, wave or say hello. How do you KNOW that the dude in the car was staring you because you’re disabled? You ASSUME right off the bat that he was staring at you because you’re disabled (there’s that chip on the shoulder). He may have just been staring at you because you’re very pretty. Did you ask? If not, then how do you know?
Lastly, you of all people know that there is a difference between being fear and cowardice. The way I see it, you have as much right to judge me a coward as I have to judge you helpless.
P.S. For all of Chandra’s readers who will no doubt take up arms against this response, let me remind you that Chandra herself insists that she be treated no differently than you or I, that she wishes to be treated “as a person, not a disability.” Please keep that very much in mind while you are directing your hate responses to the anonymous coward who is attacking the poor girl in the wheelchair.
I know the internet is made for people to share their opinions anonymously and you have done that. I hope that you feel like you made your point. I do like to be treated just like other people and I’m glad to know that you are fine with anonymously making people cry at their desks regardless of their physical abilities because that’s what you’ve done.
I am emotional just like any person, maybe more, and regardless of whether or not your rant/point was accurate or not it still hurts to be railed against because I made an innocuous post that it sometimes bothers me to have people stare.
So we’ve met. Interesting. I certainly don’t want you to have to walk on eggshells around me, so by all means next time you see me please walk the other way.
I thought I had made my point. Now I’m not so sure.
I certainly didn’t mean to make you cry, and for that I apologize. That was not my intention.
It was also not my intention to rail against you, or rant (i am sure that you don’t believe that, but I cannot do anything about that, however, it is the truth). My intention was to make you think outside yourself and about what possibly might have been going on inside the head of the guy in the car. Especially after I have more than one post of yours (both on here and LJ before Chantiki.com was born) about this very topic. More than one post with the same annoyed reaction every time hardly makes this an innocuous topic.
We ALL have thoughts and feelings and emotions, and you do not have the market cornered on those. I warned you up front that I was going to be insensitive. Chandra, I just didn’t know any other way to address the elephant in the room.
P.S. You yourself made my point clearer than I ever could have:
“So we’ve met. Interesting. I certainly don’t want you to have to walk on eggshells around me, so by all means next time you see me please walk the other way.”
I have friends who have called me a flaming asshole and are still my friends (because who knows? they may be right, as much as I would like it not to be so). A true friend is someone who tells you things don’t necessarily WANT to hear, but rather NEED to hear, while sparing the niceties.
P.S. For all of Chandra’s readers who will no doubt take up arms against this response, let me remind you that Chandra herself insists that she be treated no differently than you or I, that she wishes to be treated “as a person, not a disability.” Please keep that very much in mind while you are directing your hate responses to the anonymous coward who is attacking the poor girl in the wheelchair
How ridiculous. Yeah, we aren’t pissed off because she’s our friend, and you’re trolling her blog, no. We’re pissed off because you’re an “anonymous coward attacking the poor girl in the wheelchair” that makes SO much sense. Has it ever occured to you that we don’t look at her as a poor girl in a wheelchair? Also, you made a conscious choice only to tell Chandra you’ve met her in real life before, yet you post anonymously. You’ve made the CHOICE to be a coward. It’s a whole hell of a lot different than making a judgement about someone who’s disabled like they chose to be that way. Staring at someone is rude, regardless what the reason is. The fact is that the guy was either being rude, or he’s socially retarded, in both cases it’s annoying and she shouldn’t have to put up with it, it’s unwelcome and she’s got the right to blog about it, just like you’ve got the right to be a coward and write an essay about why she’s wrong and calling her an “Angry disabled person”. You lack tact.
Oh and just tacking on cop-out statements like Chandra herself insists that she be treated no differently than you or I, that she wishes to be treated “as a person, not a disability.” Doesn’t make you not an asshole, for future reference.
“I have friends who have called me a flaming asshole and are still my friends (because who knows? they may be right, as much as I would like it not to be so).”
Man, I have been saving this up all day because my iphone wouldn’t post but….
I *think* your friends might be right.
Also, it is very hard to tell the difference between someone who is staring because they are full of fear or pity or whatever the fuck you want to call it and someone who is staring because their momma didn’t raise them right. Because I get stared at A LOT by fucking rude older spanish men, who, when confronted, mutter something about how they would like to do some horrible sexual act with me that I can only imagine would be full of the most bountiful pleasure (/sarcasm).
So here’s my thought: I group people who stare into one giant asshole group, the word asshole is all encompassing here. Staring is rude regardless of the intent behind it.
To anonymous: I’m only going to apologize in advance for not reading your whole comment, b/c I don’t have the patience.
Consider the language of your comment. You speak for “we”. Who does this “we” encompass? You might consider changing your opinion to use the language “If I saw you, this is how I would feel.”. Unless you happen to be the guy who gave her a thumbs-up and head bob.
Also consider the concept of “projection”. Have you actually taken a poll and found most people not in wheelchairs to fear such a state of functionality? Or is this *your* individual fear? Does projecting your self-identified fear onto the Public At Large Whom Crosses Chandra’s Path actually serve any purpose to her and is such an absolutely-worded statement actually grounded in reality? In all honesty, I doubt the man she encountered today delved that deeply into his reactions or actions to witnessing Chandra. Most people don’t examine their opinions or emotional reactions to situations or others. You obviously do, but I wonder for what motivation? Are you motivated by truth and compassion? Are you motivated by a desire to understand why people do what they do? Are you motivated by a desire to be right, to be able to explain the dynamics of what other people don’t see? It could be some of all of this….
Consider this. If you had written your opinion from if it was you who had encountered her, reacted, and then considered your reaction, how would that have been received? and what would be the intention of such dialogue? To inform, perhaps, of an alternative explanation. However, you took that and applied it to Everyone Not In A Wheelchair. and then behaved just as condescendingly as the thumbs-up guy. You assumed her apparent inability to walk colors her entire world and every waking moment, and proceeded to label her/pigeon-hole her into The Angry Wheelchair-bound Person Who Hates Everyone Not In A Wheelchair, and then, instead of opening dialogue with her about it, lectured her for not being understanding enough of anyone who might do or say something condescending or irritating. So what was your intention there? Are you really serving her awareness, or your identity? Are you expanding her awareness, or solidifying your ego at her expense?
An example to consider: I currently work in a position which is called “Admin Assistant”, but what most people still call “Secretary”. I am more than Just A Secretary. There are people at work who engage me as a person. Then there are people who treat me as Just A Secretary, who assume, b/c of my position, that I am not very intelligent. When someone assumes I am an idiot, it really annoys me. Why? B/c they are being insulting/condescending in interacting with me, b/c they have assumed I am less than I am, b/c they have no interest in interacting with me On Equal Ground. Certain types of people make themselves feel more important (i.e. solidify their self-identified egoic story) by treating others as insignificant and lesser than themselves. So, does my reaction mean I am An Angry Secretary with A Chip On My Shoulder? no. It means I am a fairly normal human being who resents being dismissed as less than a whole person, as being defined as something inferior and undesirable and seen only as this very one-dimensional label.
So when Chandra’s friends get pissed, it’s not b/c we are Angry Friends Of The Wheelchair Chick. (which we are happy to be when occasion calls for it, btw.) It’s b/c Chandra is a Whole Person Whom We Love. not Chandra, Who Happens To Be In A Wheelchair. not Chandra, Who Happens to KickAss at Karoke. not Chandra, Who Gets Teary at Sappy Shows Like Extreme Makeover Home Edition. She is all these things, and more. She is defined by her heart, humor, spirit, sass, intellect and all-around schmoopiness. not by her transportation.
If you’re really interested in authentic dialogue, then consider the collective, separatist and absolute language you used in your comment. Consider if you were motivated more by the idea of truth, or by genuine compassion. and how exactly did you decide your opinion for all other people was something she *needed* to hear? I think you will find your post to be more about yourself, your needs, and your desires, than about any idea of “Chandra”…. May you know peace. Namaste.
Yes, you were right, it seems, about getting blasted. I hate to tell you this, but no one else is sitting around with this fear you have. So I agree that you should get therapy. You should also take some etiquette classes or write to Mrs. Manners because your parents weren’t smart enough to teach you that staring is rude, no matter what. AND, you should get a life because you have apparently been obsessively watching Chandra’s posts, just waiting to get up the nerve to say something, which means you are loser and a wimp. Obviously you missed the fact that Chandra is the strongest person that any of us know and she is allowed to vent when she wants to. She didn’t even say anything harsh, but you had to take it there. Good job! Keep feeling strong behind that computer, since that’s the only place that you can be strong. Chandra is strong in real life!
Heh, I was going to go with something a little less profound. I’m thinking you might have been flashing some boob.
Here’s a question for you: I grew up in the South, so I am trained from birth to do all kinds of politically incorrect things like hold doors open (everyone, not just women) and such. Is it insulting to offer to help a person in a wheelchair if 1) you are already close enough that it’s no big deal, only the slightest additional effort and b) it seems a clear a little help would be a good thing.
I would help a person not in a wheelchair if they dropped something or were carrying a bunch of things. Hard to say, though, when it comes to folks who, as you note, have got their whole in-and-out thing figured out and don’t need an audience or approval. What does one do? Ignore it all?
I appreciate help and offers of help. I like when people open doors for me and pick things up that I’ve dropped. I’m not an idiot, I know that sometimes I require help. I quite often ask random passers by at the grocery store to reach something on a high shelf. I’m not so proud that I can’t ask for help or accept help.
If someone asks if they can help and I say no and they continue to ask if I am sure or continue to stare while I do the task it bothers me.
I couldn’t agree more with your comment about offers of help. Sometimes when I’m trying to deal with both my girls and I’m trying to do something, it’s nice that someone offers help and I accept it. Other times, I really don’t need it and I politely decline. It’s frustrating when the person just insists, as if they doubt I can manage on my own.
You’re right to be peeved about the thumbs-up cheerleading. That’s what we do for children who are learning how to tie their shoelaces and accomplish other mundane daily tasks for the first time.
And, for the record, Guys, boobs are not an excuse to stare. Look, yes; stare, no.
Yet again I am totally apalled by how uncouth the world is. What a douche! What makes him think that it’s cool to fucking stare anybody down? By the way not like being gawked at doesn’t make anyone an “angry disabled person with the chip on their shoulder”, it just makes them a person. Not everyone is an attention whore, and it’s generally considered crossing the line to do that.
Maybe he misunderstood. Not all people who are in a wheelchair are mentally handicapped as well. Besides, I have always thought of you with grace and agility. I love you babe.
dangit Stacey, what happened to my line returns! rarg. /kicks the code window :p
yo chan, I’m sorry about the head-bob dood. I totally thought he was staring at your boobs, too, til you mentioned the thumbs up. serious wtf man. thoughtless people boggle me. bogggglllllle.
however it’s hard to stay upset b/c cartoon toca is staring at me from in front of a rainbow. srsly, I am hypnotized by Adorable Toca Tongue!!!!! now I must go look at your pug post. puuuuuuuuugs!
word \m/
(oh, and, of course, *squisheehugs*!!!! oops. sorry about the moonpie in my pocket for you.
note to self: FIRST, moonpie. THEN squisheehugs….)
Wow. I will say this very simply. “Anonymous” you are an asshole. The fact that you would make the statement about “directing your hate responses to the anonymous coward who is attacking the poor girl in the wheelchair.” Chandra is not “the poor girl in the wheelchair” and the fact that you could even write that statement (trying to preface it with nice statements about her doesn’t make it okay) shows what an idiot you are. Chandra is allowed to be annoyed with whatever she wants to be annoyed with. You taking her annoyance and turning it into something about you is ridiculous. I say “you” because I don’t know this “we” you speak of in your post. You are clearly projecting. Get some therapy, you clearly need it.
Alright - I see my work is done here.
I think we’ve given this guy enough of our time.
To Anonymously Cowardly: go fuck yourself.
To Chandrita: this guy is not worth another drop of your thoughts.
(I did love what Alice said: you are the epitome of grace)
People who stare are rude. I don’t care what they’re staring at. Rude rude rude. Sorry you had to deal with the dude’s idiocy Chandra. It makes me want to yell at people. I feel for the next person who stares at me…I have a feeling he will probably get an earful… xo, K.
Chandra, I think you’re the bee’s knees. I find it fascinating how some people respond to experiencing discrimination, and I’ve always admired the way you stick up for yourself when people cross the line. I am reminded of a recent work story when one of my employees, a young Chinese man, was asked by the elderly person he was ringing up whether or not he spoke Japanese. “Actually, I’m from China,” he replied. “Oh, but do you speak Japanese, too?”
We laugh about it still as we roll our eyes.
Anyhow, I think your blog continues to be the perfect place to shine a light on disability discrimination, and your sense of style and humor can help the world understand disability better. The truth is, you’re different from me. You’re also different from Stacy, and Howard, and Sara, and billions of friends and strangers around the world. You’re every bit as different from others as I am and he is, and she is, etc. Another word for it is “unique,” and I love what makes you unique. And it isn’t a chair.
If some dude staring at you from a car doesn’t get that, that’s his burden.
As to your anonymous friend, maybe he should ask himself if he’d have that same blunt conversation with someone because he or she is black or some other minority, and maybe he’ll remember that Chinese people don’t speak Japanese.
Maybe he thought you were hot, and his thumbs up was a “hey nice hair” type flirting…
OR he could’ve been trying to warn you a large bird was flying over head and not to park there…
: )
I have to say I have always found it quite interesting how people with their own social problems are quick to try and label others with one as well…as if telling someone else to get over their “fears” is somehow going to solve their own…
As for staring, isn’t it normal creepy people stare at girls? I vaguely remember a class in high school where they taught us guys staring at girls is a huge turn on for the girl…
: P
listen, all the other nonsense aside…
“I vaguely remember a class in high school where they taught us guys staring at girls is a huge turn on for the girl…”
what?
no really, WHAT?
how’s that working out for you, champ?
sorry for that aggression, RTT, i thought that final post was our friend’anonymous’ again.
chan, maybe you could make the ‘poster’s name’ font color brighter? i.r. dork.
I wish I was more gifted with words. It is truly appalling to see someone attack you over a mere mention of “pet peeves,” which we all have. Obviously yours are unique, but that doesn’t make you an “angry disabled person,” it makes you another person with pet peeves. I agree that “Anonymous” (who is no longer anonymous and I hope that none of us ever see him in public) gets a life, or even a tiny clue that he is way off base here. It’s almost as if he knew it before his little pussy fingers got moving on that empowering keyboard. Obviously he has gotten a lot of attention from his stupidity, which may be just what he wanted. It’s sad to that he is so desperate for attention that he would make jackass comments to such an amazing and beautiful person. Maybe someday he will grow up and get a set of real balls like Chandra. She always speaks her mind, and not behind the safety of her keyboard.
For what it’s worth, Chandra and I have communicated privately on this issue (which is what I probably should’ve done in the first place) and as near as I can figure, it has been settled between she and I (Chandra please correct me if I’m wrong).
Settled.
A fun post, indeed. No, I don’t have anything slightly intellectual to say. But thank you for the read. Hot blog, it seems!